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saturated

I’ve come to realize that approximately 90% of my life have gone by without me fully being there.

You see, as a highly sensitive person my nervous system filters out less information than the nervous system of a more “hardy” person (that’s the actual scientific term). I’m especially prone to picking up other people’s energies and absorbing a never ending flood of sensory and mental information, to a point where I often forget who I actually am. Is this really my opinion or did I just pick this up from the person I’ve just talked to? Do I really want to do this or am I just receiving the information that someone else wants me to do this? Do I really want this product or service or have I just absorbed a very strong, effective marketing message?

Whenever you’re not 100% in yourself, fear comes up, a very existential fear of not being there. Because you aren’t fully there: A big part of you is filled up with outside energies and other people’s stuff. The result: A constant sense of low-level anxiety, lots of worries, and a gut-clenching fear of really showing yourself. Because when you fully expose yourself, the last few pieces that remain of the true You may be taken away as well and replaced by something from the outside. 

It’s not that I’ve never felt complete before. In fact, I can exactly recall the feeling of being whole and complete; this feeling of being completely held and supported. This feeling of filling out my body completely and actually going even beyond that. This feeling of being bigger than my body and larger than life and fully saturated. You can even see it in my posture: When I am feeling whole and complete, my chest is open, my shoulders roll back and down, my chin is up and I am standing upright.

Alas, 90% of the time, I am not feeling this way. 90% of the time I’m allowing something or someone else to enter my space and making itself at home there. 90% of the time I’m afraid, feeling incomplete, ungrounded and perforated. FRACTURED.

I am beginning to understand why I’ve been having such a hard time speaking my truth, showing myself to the world, building intimate relationships and committing to MY life completely. Why I’m often tired and feel the need to shut down; why I’m having a strained relationship with money; why I’m so shy and fearful around people. Why my posture is often hunched forward, making myself literally smaller than I am, my rounded shoulders trying to provide a protective cage around my heart.

That’s why there’s walls and mirrors around me, a whole fortress of protective mechanisms; but it’s a futile attempt. I’m still losing myself in the world. And unfortunately, I am at the same time isolating myself from those people and things that are supportive to me. I am isolating myself from deep friendships, more money, a successful career, fun and laughter, intimacy and fulfillment.

I made a promise to myself when I was 14 years old to tear down the walls around me and allow myself to FEEL. But it looks like I did an incomplete job; the walls turned into mirrors, got more sophisticated, more sneaky, hidden and unpredictable. But at the end of the day, a big part of my life has still been ruled by fear. A big part of my life has still been spent worrying, being afraid, stressing out, feeling stuck, hanging onto the past, hanging onto my comfort zone.

Instead of being fully present and fully in my body and my Self, I’ve wasted energy worrying what other people may think, how to find the right words, I’ve beaten myself up for past mistakes, worried about the future, feeling overwhelmed, holding onto my security blanket, feeling paralyzed. Sure, I’ve learned about grounding and letting go and forgiveness, and I’ve gotten better at releasing stuff that isn’t mine; but I can still see that the times I’m actually 100% present and complete are few and far between.

Yesterday I talked to a wonderful coach in the morning and had a huge shift. I could literally feel my aura that was sunken in and perforated before growing big, whole and filled out. My posture changed. My mindset changed. Instead of feeling like I’m just a bystander of my life, trying to look from the outside in and fixing things from the outside, I felt like I was at the control panel again, in the driver’s seat. I was looking out from the inside, from the full, whole, healed center of my being.

So that’s what it’s like to be filled up! To be complete. To be 100% there. To feel like you can accomplish anything in life, because you know you’re supported, held and fully standing in your power. To trust that you are an unlimited source of YOU, and therefore you’re free to share as much or as little of yourself as you’d like to. No more fears of lack and losing yourself. Heck, you might even grow bigger and MORE fulfilled by showing yourself as you are and sharing your beautiful, radiant energy!

You know exactly what space you fill out, now that you OWN that space. It’s a source of confidence, success and LOVE.

The fractured Self is ruled by fear. Fear is what seeps into the holes, if you let it. Love is the glue that binds and heals and makes you whole and complete again. From here on out I vow to show up fully to my life, to every day and every moment; to stop making excuses; to let go of fear, become larger than life and make every decision coming from a place of wholeness, power, trust and Love.

And so it is.

Paula