Spring

 

I haven’t been writing in a couple weeks – the long-awaited arrival of beautiful Spring weather made me not want to spend any time at the computer at all!

But also, I’ve been questioning my aspirations of creating an online business, a successful blog, a writing career…I really don’t want to spend too much time on the computer EVER. I hate asking people for money, no matter in how subtle of ways. And I have a hard time believing any service or product I offer could be helpful enough for others to make them open their wallets with joy and gratitude.

As always, there’s many layers to the problem, many conflicting feelings, thoughts, energies, and an overarching, overwhelming feeling of resistance.

Have you ever looked at your life and asked yourself: “Is this really all there is? What if this is IT?”

I have. Many times. And often, this question would provoke a lingering feeling of anxiety, of “I’m not doing enough. I’m not working hard enough. There should be more. I should be along further already.”

But not this time.

Yesterday morning when I asked myself these same old questions, I was just feeling….okay with it all. Content. Shy bouts of happiness even started twinkling at me from the depths of my heart 🙂

What if I were to work at nurseries and garden centers for the rest of my life?

I can imagine worse. I love working with plants!

What if I never become a successful business owner?

Thank God! I don’t want all that responsibility anyway. And I don’t have to prove anything to anyone.

What if I will never make be able to make more money? To “make it”?

I will. I just KNOW I will. The Universe has presented me with the perfect job when I first moved to the United States – I can’t wait to see what the next perfect, wonderful opportunity is going to be! The more experience I’m gaining and the more inner work I’m doing, the more doors will open up for me. Everything is perfectly fine as it is now, everything has been perfectly fine, and everything will continue to improve little by little.

What if I have no idea where I’m going in life?

So what???

When I look back at my life so far, I really can’t complain. And I’ve known that, despite that nasty little voice in my head that likes to say otherwise, that likes to judge, belittle, shame and make me believe that I’m NOT ENOUGH.

But somehow, for some miraculous reason, yesterday morning I felt like I was enough. I felt like MY LIFE was enough.

I love driving to work on Sunday mornings, when it’s so quiet out and the sun is just starting to peak through the leaves…there’s such a peaceful feeling of serenity and kindness in the air!

I am loving the sunshine and the blooms and flowers and fresh green leaves that are exploding everywhere after a long, rainy winter season.

I love working with my hands, planting, digging in the dirt, snipping off dead leaves.

I love being outside, in Nature’s magnificent church.

I love meeting real people. being of service, practicing ways of kindness – even if I’m just recommending and selling plants.

I do really love my job! I love and adore my husband. I love my family, my friends, my band, my coworkers and acquaintances, our little duplex in Alameda – so if this is it, that’s okay!

“I am now lovingly letting go of all pressure and (usually self-induced) expectations to be something I’m not, to do things I don’t love, to force everything and anything in my life. I am releasing all ego-attachments to the “way things should be”, and relax with gratitude and a full heart to what is.”

I am enough.

My life is enough.

And from here, I am lovingly awaiting whatever the Universe has in store for me next. I will never stop striving for growth and improvement –  but I am ready to let go of false expectations and anxiety-inducing goals, and simply do my best and be my most loving self. One moment at a time.

Love and Blessings,

Paula